


She's Leaving Echoes

by maschinenmensch



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Basically I'm In Holtzmann's Head Again, Character Study, F/F, Holtzbert - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Some Fluff, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9230828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maschinenmensch/pseuds/maschinenmensch
Summary: Jillian Holtzmann is a complicated person. No one has ever truly “gotten her.” Until Erin Gilbert.





	1. it's the fear that holds me back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dreamshaper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamshaper/gifts).



> For my Holtzbro - one of the few people on this planet who "gets me."

Jillian Holtzmann is a complicated person. 

There are so many facets to her personality. So many quirks. Various people have understood parts of her. But no one’s ever been able to unravel the whole package that makes up her entire existence.

No one has ever truly “gotten her.”

Until Erin Gilbert.

\---

Holtzmann’s mother always encouraged her. She always let her be the person she wanted to be. 

This meant asking for Tonka Trucks and science kits instead of Barbie Dream Houses and teddy bears for Christmas. Wearing a Star Wars t-shirt and ridiculously oversized yellow tinted sunglasses for class pictures instead of a frilly dress. Letting Holtzmann shave her head right before junior prom. 

Her mother also doesn’t think twice when Holtz takes a girl with her as her date to said prom. And not as a friend either.

“You be you Jillian. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

But with such uniqueness comes mockery. And scorn. For being different.

For being queer.

Holtzmann is picked on from almost the very moment she begins school. She’s an easy target, slight and smarter than everyone in her class. She doesn’t conform. She interjects in conversations with odd statements and jokes no one else seems to understand.

It results in teasing at first. But it doesn’t take long to escalate. There are nasty rumors spread. Fights. It culminates in Holtzmann being shoved in her locker shortly after junior prom. A locker that someone has scrawled “DYKE” on it in permanent marker.

Her mother has always told her to “brush it off.” Be the better person. To not let it get to her. 

Holtzmann wishes she would understand it does get to her. And it hurts.

She graduates early after three years in high school and doesn’t look back.

\---

Holtzmann’s mind is deep and layered and crammed with knowledge.

She is for all intents and purposes a genius.

Dr. Rebecca Gorin realizes this the first time she meets Holtz, a shy, shuffling freshman who asks the professor questions after her first lecture of the semester. Questions that most graduate students couldn’t come close to asking, much less answering.

Dr. Gorin immediately takes Holtzmann under her wing, seeing the unlimited potential in the young woman. She sees a future in which Holtz will succeed beyond her wildest dreams.

Holtzmann relishes the attention given to her by the professor. Finally, there is someone in her life who understands the theories and inventions that seem to always be buzzing in the back of her subconscious. Someone who can both be critical of her ideas but also offer solutions to the problems she is struggling with.

But with Dr. Gorin there is no semblance of emotion. No question of affection.

Holtzmann wishes just once the professor would hug her. Tell how much she matters to her.

It never happens.

\---

The first time Holtzmann spins in her office chair as she is wont to do when her mind overwhelms her, Abby Yates smiles. 

Holtzmann is used to an eye-roll, or worse, being completely ignored when what some people consider her eccentricities come to the forefront. But Abby never turns away, never asks why Holtz does things the way she does.

Abby doesn’t blink when Holtzmann puts ketchup on her Pringles sometimes. She occasionally will join in when the engineer begins an impromptu dance session in their lab at Higgins. She lays a comforting hand on Holtz’s shoulder when she is overwhelmed by sounds, or bright lights or just the very act of existing.

There was a brief moment that Holtzmann wished there was *more* between them, but it’s obvious after a while that Abby doesn’t desire a relationship like that. Not with her. Not with anyone. 

Holtzmann treasures Abby’s friendship. She wonders if there’s anyone else in this world with her patience.

\---

She meets her at bar, like so many others. But unlike most, Holtzmann doesn’t take her home. They talk, get to know one another. She’s cute and smart. Holtz calls her the next day and they set up a date.

They go to a coffee shop and talk for hours. She invites Holtzmann to her apartment to watch a movie after the cafe closes. And they do watch the movie. Until her hand is in Holtzmann’s hair, Holtz’s mouth is on her neck. She wakes up next to her naked, basking in the glow of the best sex she’s ever had.

The relationship moves fast. They spend nearly every night together. Holtzmann explores every inch of her body, knows every place to touch or lick that makes her cry her name.

Holtzmann is sure she is in love.

It all crashes down five months into it. Holtz finds her crying, head in hands on the very couch they shared their first kiss.

“I don’t think I can do this.”

“I’m not ready for a serious relationship.”

“Sometimes, you freak me out a little bit.”

Holtzmann grabs her things and leaves. She finds out a year later that she’s engaged. To someone else.

_ True love will never find me _ she muses.  _ I am destined to be alone. _

Holtzmann tries to be ok with that.

She’s not.

\---

She’s in a mood. She has been for weeks. It’s almost as if she knows she’s on the brink of something. Something that will change her life forever.

Holtzmann hears Abby being exasperated and looks up. She sees the back of a woman with auburn hair, a tweed jacket and skirt and pumps that Holtz would likely break an ankle in.

“Come here often?”

The woman turns. Holtzmann immediately knows who she is, having seen her picture before. Part of her wants to recoil, as she knows how badly this woman has hurt her best friend. But she’s read her work and knows there is no one else on this planet who can rival her brilliance.

She’s standoffish but shakes Holtzmann’s hand. The engineer thinks she might burst into flames on the spot.

_ This is the moment,  _ Holtzmann thinks.

Erin Gilbert changes her life forever.


	2. it's in the way we would act

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Erin talks about her childhood, how she was mocked and bullied for being “Ghost Girl,” and Holtzmann remembers. The looks on the faces of her peers. The tears she so desperately held back, as to not call attention to her pain any more than she already had. That fear when they closed the locker door on her. The darkness. And the feeling she would never, ever belong.

Holtzmann tries to communicate she knows that pain, in a wink and a “I have questions.” She sees a faint smile on Erin’s face after she does so. But she needs to make Erin understand.

She waits until later. Everyone has headed their separate ways for the evening until herself and the physicist are the only ones left. Erin is putting her laptop in her very professional looking briefcase when she calls out.

“Hey, uh Erin?”

The physicist looks up with questioning eyes. They haven’t known each other that long yet, and Holtzmann senses her colleague is still a little wary of her. Holtzmann is fine with that. She’s still a little wary of herself.

“Yeah Holtzmann?”

Holtzmann rubs the back of her head, suddenly nervous. Being social has never, ever been her strong suit. At least when she’s not making inappropriate jokes or shamelessly flirting. But this is important. She senses that.

“I wanted you to know something. About me that is. I think you might feel better? I dunno…”

The engineer trails off and looks at the floor. She’s fidgeting. She’s pretty sure that Erin’s going to shake her head and leave, unnerved by the weirdo with the goofy glasses and odd wardrobe.

Holtzmann feels a hand on her shoulder instead. She looks up to see dark blue eyes intently looking into her own.

“Holtzmann? Are you ok?”

She swallows. So few people have asked her that question in her life and actually meant it. For some reason, this time means the most of all.

“Now I am. But I wasn’t. I mean when I was in school. I know - I know how it feels.”

Erin lightly squeezes her shoulder. It makes her feel better. It makes her continue.

“I was bullied too Erin. I don’t like to talk about it because it hurts. I was small and smart and gay and an easy target.”

Holtzmann reaches for Erin’s hand. It feels warm and comforting. It feels _ right.  _

“I just wanted to let you know that I - I understand. Don’t let your past define you Erin. Look forward.”

Erin tilts her head and smiles. Holtzmann can’t help but smile back.

“You’re an interesting person Jillian Holtzmann. I’m glad you’re my friend.”

Holtz feels warmth spread through her body at the physicist’s words.  _ Friend.  _ She’s had so few of them in her life. And maybe none as brilliant and complicated as the woman standing next to her, holding her hand, making her feel validated.

“I’m glad you’re my friend too.”

They stand there for a moment in a comfortable silence, two women still coming to grips with the children they were, the adults they are now.

“I’m sorry Holtz.”

“For what?” Holtzmann can’t grasp what Erin would be apologizing for. Because she’s smart and pretty and her friend. Her friend.

“That you had to experience that as a child. It’s not right. For you. For either of us.”

“Life isn’t fair Erin. But maybe our luck is changing.” Holtzmann smiles warmly. Erin returns the gesture, squeezing the engineer’s calloused hand.

“Maybe…” Erin furrows her brow, her eyes looking off into the distance. Holtzmann wants to stroke her hair and tell her it’ll be ok. She’s not sure why. She’ll figure it out eventually.

“Don’t doubt it Er-Bear. It’s happening. I know it.”

Their eyes lock for what seems like an eternity for Holtzmann. It’s intense. She has to turn away first, lest she say or do something she’ll have to explain to herself later. 

She’s shocked when she feels Erin pull her into a hug. Holtzmann’s never been fond of them, always wary when other people are so close to her. She awkwardly wraps her arms around the physicist and notes that Erin is half a head taller than her. She smells of lavender and fabric softener. And being so near to the older woman doesn’t feel as odd as it feels right.

It ends as quickly as it begins, the physicist pulling away, a smile on her face, a look of understanding in her eyes.

“Don’t stay too late Holtz. Even mad scientists need their beauty sleep.”

“Aye, aye captain.” Holtzmann salutes her, feeling happiness awash over her at the small giggle that escapes Erin’s lips.

Holtzmann watches her as she leaves and ponders. 

In the days and weeks to come, there’s an intensity between the two women that Holtzmann can’t quite put her finger on. But it feels nice. She can sense the physicist has let her protective shield down a bit around her; she’s beginning to get to know the real Erin. And Holtzmann in turn lets Erin in a little more than she might be comfortable with. She tells her things that not even Abby knows. Erin returns the favor in kind, and Holtzmann feels a kinship in the older woman she’s never felt with anyone else.

Because Erin Gilbert knows what’s it’s like to remember who you were, and the trauma that made you that way. 

Holtzmann thinks that between the two of them, they can make the other forget.


	3. is this home we're wondering

Holtzmann is not used to this. She’s not used to this at all.

When an idea for a new invention comes into her head, she can envision it clearly. Holtzmann can see exactly what it looks like, exactly how it functions. She considers it one of her greatest talents.

Unfortunately the practical side of her inventiveness is what sometimes trips her up.

She’s an engineer. She knows math. She can weld a blowtorch better than most craftsmen. Her ability to put things together and take them apart is unheralded. She can make a nuclear device out of what she can find in a single dumpster (but she won’t, she’s promised the authorities of that).

But sometimes, when Holtzmann sits down to make the blueprints, to come up with the equations and the theories to put her thoughts and ideas into an actual physical object, she’s stuck. Eventually she’ll get there, usually after countless crumbled up pieces of paper are flung across the room, pencils are broken and she storms out of whatever space she’s occupying to take a walk outside because she’s disheartened and overwhelmed. She’s always frustrated with _the process_ \- the beginning and the ending of inventing is the fun part. It’s the middle that Holtzmann just wishes she could fast forward through.

Currently she’s struggling with her newest idea - a ghost trap that can be operated by a small remote device - no foot pedal or cord needed. It would make all of their lives so much easier when busting. There would be no need to stand so close to the trap, awaiting the perfect moment to stomp on the pedal to close it. There wouldn’t be a cord to trip on, which would please Abby to no end, the scientist taking Holtz’s name in vain the couple of times she face planted in her scramble to secure the spectre they were about to capture.

But Holtzmann is stuck. She’s been sketching the schematics to the remote and the accompanying modifications she’d have to make to the trap itself. It’s just not working though, it’s missing _something._ And now Holtzmann is too overstimulated to concentrate, and she just wants to chuck it all in the bin and forget she ever had the damn idea in the first place.

“You ok Holtz?”

Erin’s voice startles her slightly, having been so engrossed in her self-loathing and frustration to notice the physicist was standing on the opposite side of her workbench, an expression of concern on her face.

“Um, yes?” Erin raises an eyebrow, and Holtzmann knows they’ve become close enough that she can see right through her bullshit.

“Not really E. I’m...stuck.”

Erin walks around the workbench so she’s shoulder-to-shoulder with Holtz. She looks over the pile of scribbles and messy drawings the engineer has been fussing over all morning. While Holtzmann explains the concept of the remote, Erin grabs a sheet of paper and starts taking copious notes. When Holtzmann is done talking, the physicist lifts her head up and smiles.

“Don’t worry Holtz. I think I know how we can make this work.”

Holtzmann is stunned. Erin understands what she’s talking about? *And* wants to help?

Erin must sense Holtz’s bewilderment, reaching out to squeeze her hand reassuringly. The blonde can barely hold the tears back as she returns what she hopes is a look of gratitude.

“Erin, are you sure? I mean I know you have your own work to do and this must seem crazy and-”

The physicist puts a finger against Holtzmann’s lips. The engineer’s eyes go wide. Part of her wants to run away from such close contact. A small part of her wants to kiss her finger. She opts to stand still.

“Holtzy. Let me help you. I want to.”

When Erin removes her finger from Holtzmann’s mouth, she smiles.

“Ok.”

It’s several weeks later when the remote trap is used for the first time during a job. It operates perfectly and Holtzmann lets out a joyous whoop so loud it startles Patty, earning her a good-natured tongue lashing. The engineer doesn’t care. As she enters the firehouse an hour later, she cradles the trap in her arms, not unlike a baby. She looks upon it with a sense of pride.

This isn’t just her accomplishment. It’s theirs. She made something with another person that was successful, without drama or any sense of jealousy. And the fact this collaboration was with Erin makes Holtzmann feel almost lightheaded.

She can’t believe how important Erin’s become to her.

It scares her.

As Holtzmann turns away from the ghost containment center, she’s surprised to see Erin leaning against her workbench, coveralls pooled around her waist. Her arms are folded across her chest, one side of her mouth upturned in a smile.

“Good job Holtzy.”

“Thanks to you.” Holtzmann walks over to the physicist, eventually coming to a stop so she’s standing in front of her. She’s not super close to Erin, but much closer than Holtzmann usually gets to another person. Erin’s one of the only people she feels this comfortable with.

“I just helped with some of the practicalities. It was all you Holtzmann.”

Holtzmann frowns. She needs Erin to know she couldn’t have done this without her. She deserves to be recognized for this success as much as she does.

“No Erin. You -” she swallows. It’s so hard for her to communicate sometimes. Erin knows this, and she’s patient. It makes Holtzmann want to tell her how important she is even more.

“You helped me so much. I don’t think you have any idea how much I struggle making things sometimes. But you stepped in without me asking. You knew what I was thinking sometimes before I could even tell you. No one else has ever done that. I don’t think anyone else can, honestly.”

Before she can stop herself, Holtzmann has flung her arms around Erin awkwardly, practically knocking the older woman over. After a moment Erin returns the hug. Holtzmann can hardly believe she initiated this contact, much less it having been returned.

“I don’t think there’s anyone else who knows me as well you do Holtz.”

Erin’s voice is muffled, her face resting atop a mound of messy blonde curls. If Holtzmann didn’t know any better, she would’ve sworn the physicist placed a light kiss on the top of her head.

Holtzmann smiles. She grips Erin a little tighter.

 _No one knows my heart as well as you do Erin_ , she thinks.


	4. is this all we're wanting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the kind comments thus far. It's the fuel that keeps me going! It especially means a lot to me with this fic in particular, as I've spent more time than usual writing and revising it (and wringing my hands, but that's pretty normal with me).
> 
> Oh btw, angst train coming. Sowrrrrry.

She’s nervous.

They receive the call late in the afternoon the day prior. A summer camp upstate was experiencing a particularly malevolent haunting in one of the barracks, and campers were due to start arriving shortly. Could they come and help?

Considering it was a four hour drive each way, they decide it would be prudent if only two team members go, leaving the other two to take care of things back in NYC. Erin immediately offers. And volunteers Holtzmann to accompany her.

The engineer is a bundle of emotions. Excitement for some one-on-one time with the woman she has grown quite fond of (she knows deep down it’s way more than fondness, but she’s not going _there_ ). Nervousness because she’s worried Erin will grow tired of her eccentricities. That she’ll say or do something to freak her out.

Holtzmann overcompensates in the car-ride, at least at first. She blasts through endless playlists on her phone over the Ecto-1’s sound system, singing along with most of them. Points out things she finds odd or amusing during the drive. After two hours of this, she’s exhausted. They stop for gas (and Pringles) and Erin offers to drive for awhile. They spend 20 minutes in comfortable silence before Erin asks her a question about one of the songs she had played earlier. The conversation winds its way through assorted and random topics, punctuated by laughs and moments of brevity. Before Holtzmann knows it, they’ve reached the campground. Somehow she’s at ease.

The bust is tough, the ghost belonging to a former cook at the camp. But Holtzmann and Erin work seamlessly together. Barely any words are spoken between them - they simply know where the other is, the next course of action to take in a series of mental checklists. After 90 minutes, the ghost is locked down in one of the remote traps. Holtzmann gives Erin an over-enthusiastic fist-bump in celebration.

The adrenaline is flowing through both women, and since shockingly there is not one ounce of slime on Erin (Holtz got a little on her pants leg, but she wiped it off on one of the camp blankets when no one was looking), the two of them decide to grab dinner at a nearby greasy-spoon. Erin orders the soup and sandwich combo with an iced tea as Holtzmann giddily goes over all the selections on the menu. After some hemming and hawing, she settles on two fried eggs over easy, a grilled cheese with pickles and fries, a side of cottage cheese and a chocolate milkshake. She sees Erin’s eyes widen as she orders. When the waitress walks away (with a sigh, Holtzmann’s not sure if she was supposed to hear it or not), Erin’s face is bright, her mouth turned up in amusement.

After the food arrives, Holtzmann dives in with gusto. She adds tabasco to her eggs, slathers the fries in BBQ sauce and puts the pickles inside her grilled cheese. As she shovels the food into her mouth, she’s waiting for the inevitable: Erin to make a disgusted sound, or exclaim, _how in the world could you eat *that* Holtzmann?_

“Is that any good?”

“Huh?” Holtzmann looks up, half a fry hanging out of her mouth.

“The grilled cheese and pickles? Does it taste good together? That combination has never occurred to me.”

Holtzmann shoves the remainder of the fry into her mouth. “Wanna try? Here.”

She offers the half of the sandwich she hasn’t taken a bite out of yet by holding it close to Erin’s face. Erin’s hand wraps around Holtzmann’s as she brings the sandwich to her mouth, taking a decent sized morsel out of it. She closes her eyes as she chews.

“Hmm. Better than I thought. Some bacon might make it divine.”

There’s a small string of cheese hanging out of Erin’s lips. Without thinking, Holtzmann leans forward to touch it with her finger.

“Missed some cheese.”

Erin’s tongue darts out, and it brushes against Holtzmann’s finger as she brings the last piece of cheese into her mouth. The contact sends a jolt throughout the engineer’s entire body.

_Shit._

Holtzmann returns to eating, but discovers her appetite isn’t what it was a few moments prior. All she can think about is Erin’s tongue on her finger, her eyes closed. She wonders what her tongue would feel like on other places of her body, Erin’s eyes shut as she -

_No. Stop._

Holtzmann covers one of ears with her hand as she slurps her chocolate shake. Erin senses the change of mood in the younger woman.

“Holtzy? Is something wrong?”

_I have these feelings for you that are..._

“I’m just kinda tired. I think I’m ready for the check.”

Erin nods and summons the waitress.

They decided earlier to get a hotel room for the night, both women too tired to consider the long return trip home. Holtzmann fidgets in the car while waiting for Erin to get the keys to their room from the front desk. The engineer makes sure all the equipment in the Ecto-1 is secure after she parks in a space close to their room. Erin has already gone inside, Holtzmann enters shortly thereafter. She barely makes it through the threshold before she stops dead in her tracks.

In the middle of the nondescript hotel room is a single queen sized bed.

A bed she will have to share with Erin.

Holtzmann feels like the walls are closing in on her. She has no idea how to process this. Especially because of the truth that she has just realized.

_I have fallen for Erin Gilbert._

Her lip twitches.

_I love her._

The blonde sinks to her knees. She’s crying before she knows what hit her. It’s too overwhelming. She feels like an idiot. Erin will hate her for sure.

Holtzmann feels arms wrap around her. She freezes for a moment and then leans into the physicist’s body. Erin rocks her until she stops crying.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened. I just-”

“Shhhhh, Holtzy.”

She doesn’t know how long they’re holding each other on the floor, only that she feels Erin gently lift her up and lead her to the bed. She helps the younger woman take off her boots, takes the Ghostbusters coveralls from her after she pulls them off, leaving Holtzmann only in a t-shirt and boxer shorts. Erin pulls the covers over the blonde. She’s so tired. She falls asleep almost immediately.

Some time later she’s woken by the bed moving as Erin slips in next to her. After she turns off the lamp on the nightstand, the physicist cuddles up to Holtzmann, slipping an arm loosely around her waist.

“Goodnight Holtzmann.”

Erin’s whisper tickles the fine hairs on the back of Holtzmann’s neck.

She sleeps as well as she has in a long, long time.


	5. it was the rules we break along the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've come to the end of this roller coaster ride. Enjoy!

All it took was one moment of distraction, and everything went to shit.

They’re in the midst of a bust, the four colleagues on the second floor of an old single family home that has been taken over by a trio of Class 4’s. Two have already been dealt with. There’s one more to go.

Holtzmann and Erin are cautiously checking out the foyer while Patty and Abby are in the master bedroom. Holtz hears a squishing sound and turns to see Erin’s stepped in a large puddle of ectoplasm.

“Goddammit,” she sighs.

The engineer spots it out of the corner of her eye - the lone remaining ghost. It’s pissed. And headed straight toward Erin.

Holtzmann bolts toward her without a second thought.

“Erin! Look out!”

Holtzmann shoves Erin out of the way, but there’s not enough time to bring her proton gun up.

Not enough time to get out of the way herself.

The ghost hits her at such a high rate of speed she’s violently shoved several feet backward. She lands on the top step of the staircase.

Holtzmann loses her balance.

She tumbles down the flight of stairs ass over elbows, feeling the proton pack shove into her back with every rotation. She hears something crack. And when she reaches the foot of the stairs, Holtzmann’s head smacks so hard against the wood floor the world goes black.

The next thing Holtzmann remembers is being cradled in someone’s arms. And a voice so full of panic it will haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Call a fucking ambulance!”

Through unfocused eyes, Holtz sees Erin’s face above hers. She notices the tears streaming down her face and wonders why she would be crying over her.

_It’s just me._

“Holtzmann, I need you to stay with me ok? Help is on the way.”

It’s then that the blonde feels the crushing pain in her head. She brings up a shaky hand to the left side of her temple. When she pulls it away it’s covered in blood.

“Erin...hurts.”

Her mouth doesn’t seem to want to form words. She’s so sleepy.

“I know sweetheart. I know it hurts. Just focus on my face ok?”

“So beautiful.”

Erin muffles a sob at Holtzmann’s words.

“Holtzy, please…”

As she’s fading out of consciousness again, she can hear Erin’s voice, softly as if it’s almost a whisper.

“Holtzmann, don’t leave me.”

“I love you.”

\--

Her head is throbbing, her throat feels like sandpaper and it’s as if someone’s shining a light in her face.

“Go to hell.”

“Well good morning to you too baby.”

Holtzmann opens one eye (the other one is swollen shut, she’ll soon find out), to see Patty sitting in a chair next to her. Abby’s standing beside her, chewing on her fingernails.

“What happened? Where am I?”

“You’re at the hospital Holtz. You took a pretty nasty spill on the bust we went to. Do you remember?” Abby puts her hand on the blonde’s shoulder but removes it shortly thereafter, remembering how Holtzmann can sometimes be overwhelmed by the most innocent of touches.

“I remember -” _why does it hurt to think?_ “I remember the ghost. It was going to get Erin. I pushed her out of the way but the bastard got me instead.” Holtzmann closes her eyes, a stabbing pain in the back of her head distracting her. “Erin was holding me - Erin? Where’s Erin?”

Holtzmann cracks open her eye to see Patty looking down at the floor, Abby biting her lip.

“She uh, she went home to shower. She was a bit bloody helping you after you fell.” Abby won’t look directly at Holtzmann.

_If it’s morning I must have been here for hours, wouldn’t Erin be back from her apartment already…_

Holtzmann can’t dwell too long - she’s exhausted and feels the need for more sleep.

“Holtzy tired.”

“Baby, your brain took quite a beating last night. Get some rest. We’ll all come back to see you in a little bit.”

“‘Kay.”

Patty squeezes her hand as she rises. Abby does the same, following her to the doorway.

Abby pauses before exiting. She turns to look at the engineer.

“She doesn’t do feelings well. Not unlike yourself.”

Holtzmann is only able to ponder her friend’s words for a few seconds before sleep overtakes her.

\--

When she awakens later, the room is silent. But Holtzmann feels a presence.

She slowly turns her head and opens her good eye. There’s a figure standing near her, hugging themselves.

It’s Erin.

“Holtz, I-”

Erin breaks down.

“Erin, nononono. Don’t cry. Please. C’mere.”

The physicist walks forward and leans her head on Holtzmann’s chest, soaking her hospital gown with her tears. Holtz rubs her back with the hand that is not hooked up to an IV. She has no idea how to comfort her. But she tries.

She finds it odd that Erin would be the one crying when she’s the one laying in a hospital bed. But she vows that she will do everything in her power to prevent Erin from ever being this upset again.

Erin lifts her head up and looks at Holtzmann, eyes watery. She lightly touches her from the crown of her head to her cheek, brushing over the eye that is swollen shut.

“Did I...lose it?”

“Did you lose what Holtzy?”

“My eye. I can’t see out of it. I thought maybe…”

“No honey, it’s just swollen shut. You have 15 stitches above your eyebrow there - you probably hit it on one of the steps when you were…” Erin swallows thickly. “Anyway, the doctor in the ER said you were very lucky you didn’t lose it.”

“Aw, too bad. Eyepatches are sexy.”

Erin snorts. Holtzmann’s quip has the desired effect. She sees the physicist crack a slight smile.

“What else happened to me? I feel kinda cruddy.”

The physicist looks down, too upset to look at Holtzmann directly.

“You have a grade III concussion and two cracked ribs, most likely from your proton pack hitting you on the way down. And a lot of cuts and bruises.”

Erin looks up again. She’s trying so hard to hold it together.

“It could have been so much worse Holtzy. When I found you at the foot of the stairs I thought you were…” Erin stares up at the ceiling, willing the tears not to fall down her cheeks once more.

“Hey,” Holtzmann says softly. “I’m still here. I look like I lost a fight with a Greyhound Bus, but I’m still here.”

She reaches for Erin’s hand. She’s no longer afraid of what she wants. She’s no longer fearful of the consequences.

”Erin, I need you to know. I just -” Holtzmann lets out a shaky breath, knowing the weight of the words she is about to say

“Erin, I love you so much. So, so much”

Her voice is stilted but she’s never been more emotional in her entire life. A single tear falls from her uninjured eye.

She waits. She’ll wait forever if she has to.

Erin presses her lips to the younger woman’s forehead. She whispers, but to Holtzmann, it sounds like it’s been shouted from a mountaintop.

“I love you too Holtzmann. I think I always have.”

They hold each other as best they can given the circumstances. Holtzmann listens to the rhythmic sound of Erin’s breathing until she falls back asleep.

\--

It’s three more days and two nights before Holtzmann is released.

Erin rarely leaves her side after bailing on her in the beginning. She watches Holtzmann sleep. Helps her eat the hospital meals that the engineer moans and groans about (" _Has this place ever heard of the word salt?” “It’s a hospital Holtz - some people are on a special diet.” “HMPH.”_ ). But mostly she sits next to Holtzmann, holding her hand, brushing her thumb against the blonde’s bruised knuckles.

Her existence is comforting.

Holtzmann wants so badly to kiss Erin, to show her physically how much she is in love with her, but she’s hooked up to an IV and in a scratchy hospital gown and it just doesn’t feel right.

But soon.

By the second to last day, Holtzmann is antsy. She feels much better, her headache down to a dull throb, her ribs no longer hurting every time she breathes. She convinces Kevin to bring her two tubes of Pringles, much to the consternation of the other three Ghostbusters. But Holtzmann threatens to release a ghost in the bathroom when each of them are showering in the firehouse at a future date so they relent. Holtzmann sits on the bed happily, munching on her salty parabolas three at a time, a plaid hoodie over her hospital gown, a pair of rainbow wooly socks pulled up to her knees.

She catches Erin’s eye from across the room. She’s smiling at her. She hasn’t seen Erin this happy in a long time.

Holtzmann hasn’t been this happy in eons. Or maybe ever.

She can barely contain her excitement when she’s released the following day. Abby has brought over a spare outfit she had stashed at the firehouse. As she changes into her overalls and long-sleeved t-shirt in the small bathroom, Holtzmann catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

The swelling around her eye has gone down enough that she can finally see, but the skin around it is a mixture of dark blues and purples and greens. The stitches above her eye hide the future scar that will run jaggedly from her eyebrow to her hairline. There are cuts and bruises visible on nearly every expanse of skin that is currently uncovered. Her hair is a disastrous blonde nest on top of her head.

But she has never smiled so broadly. Her eyes have never twinkled this blue, despite the injuries that nearly cost her one of them.

Holtzmann shrugs her leather jacket on and walks out into the room to see Erin waiting for her.

“Hey,” Erin says softly, almost a whisper.

“Hey yourself.”

There’s a brief moment of disbelief, that Holtzmann can't really fathom that this beautiful creature standing in front of her really does love her. Unconditionally.

Holtzmann takes three steps forward and does something that she’s been aching to do since Erin slipped her hand in her own all those months ago at Higgins.

She kisses her.

Their first kiss is soft and gentle, Holtzmann’s hands loosely around Erin’s waist, the physicist’s hands lightly cupping her cheeks. She’d always heard that the first kiss between yourself and the person you were destined to be with forever was magic, that you’d know you’d found your soulmate. Holtzmann always thought that was bullshit.

This is anything but bullshit.

Erin tangles one of her hands in Holtzmann’s hair and the engineer feels it _everywhere_. She moans, and the physicist takes this opportunity to caress Holtzmann’s tongue with her own.

Holtzmann is gone. Her mind is blank. All she knows is that she never, ever wants this moment to end.

She hears someone clearing her throat behind them.

They separate, Erin’s eyes are still closed, her breath coming out in short puffs. Holtzmann looks over her shoulder to see Abby standing in the doorway, looking slightly sheepish.

“Um, sorry to interrupt but they’re ready to discharge you Holtz.”

“Y’all can make smooches in the car on the drive home.” Erin and Holtzmann both laugh at Patty’s booming voice projecting from the hallway.

Holtzmann leans forward once again to give Erin a quick kiss on the lips.

“C’mon Er-Bear, let’s blow this pop stand.”

Holtzmann’s eyes light up when she sees the wheelchair waiting for her in the hallway.

“Sweet! Who’s gonna help me do a wheelie down the hall?”

Patty’s gripping the handlebars. “No one baby. You’re just getting out of here, do you really want to go right back in?”

Holtzmann plops down on the chair. “You guys are a total no fun zone. I bet if Kevin was here he’d let me -”

“Holtzmann!”

Erin’s voice is slightly exasperated, but the smile on her face melts the engineer’s heart.

Holtz grins. “Take us home Patty.”

\---

They make love for the first time a week later.

She’s been staying at Erin’s apartment, the physicist doting on her as she recovers. Holtzmann hasn’t had anyone take care of her like this since she lived at home with her mother. It’s uncomfortable for her at first, she’s unaccustomed to anyone caring this much.

She adjusts.

They sleep together in Erin’s bed at the conclusion of every evening. They’ll spend several minutes kissing before they pull apart, Erin turning the light on her nightstand off. She’s usually the big spoon to Holtzmann’s smaller one. She’s never felt safer than when the physicist holds her.

Holtzmann wants Erin so badly. She knows the older woman is restraining herself, worried about aggravating her injuries. She can feel Erin’s anxiety about pushing her too fast too soon.

So Holtzmann waits.

It starts innocently enough. They’re on the couch together, watching TV. One kiss turns into several. Before Holtzmann knows it she’s on top of the physicist, her hands underneath her shirt, Erin’s leg between her thighs.

“I want you.”

Erin’s husky whisper against her lips is all it takes to break her resolve.

They hold hands as they walk back to the bedroom. Holtzmann has never been this nervous.

Or turned on.

Holtzmann has always thought the term making love was incredibly cheesy, a word old people use when they don’t want to admit they’re screwing. But as she’s making Erin tremble underneath her, she finally understands.

This isn’t just sex.

This is love.

She feels tears pooling in her eyes looking down at the beautiful woman below, moaning her name as she makes her feel with her fingers. Her mouth. Her tongue.

Not long after Erin is inside her and she feels as if she may explode. Everything is Erin, Erin, Erin.

She cries after Erin brings her to completion. The physicist wraps her up in her arms, saying nothing.

Erin doesn’t have to.

A soft sigh escapes her lips before sleep captures her.

She’s finally home.

She’s finally content.

She’s finally whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thanks to everyone who was kind enough to comment/read this. I still have doubts about my writing abilities, so every bit of positive reinforcements helps.
> 
> Secondly, a big *fist-bump* to my bro whom I wrote this for. We have the best platonic bromance and I adore you <3
> 
> Thirdly, the song the title/chapter titles are from is [Echoes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57V696wGvRQ) by Faustix & Imanos (feat. Data Romance) - yeah I like some obscure stuff.
> 
> Fourthly, feel free to pester me on Tumblr, @geekmisconduct. I mostly post pictures of my socks.


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